I don’t understand why people doubt the validity of horoscopes.  They’re obviously true.  Here’s mine from the Murfreesboro Pulse for September.

As far as love goes, you feel more serious.  Uranus has you sketched out about work.  Everyone seems to be prodding and poking you in all the wrong ways, by try your best to remain collected and nicely tell everyone to back up off your sh*t or else you’ll get crazy on them.  Make sure your wants and needs match the stamina you are willing to provide.  Ambition only takes you so far; stamina is what leads you through.

Obviously, this was written by some dirty-minded little middle schoolers.  But it’s still funny … and true.  My anus has me sketched all the time, man.